Four Brave (Sorta Kinda) Champions
by HeavenStar88
Summary: Four brave mercenaries-turned elite knights of the kingdom of...uh...whatever...are charged with saving princesses, killing bad guys, recovering a powerful crystal thingie, killing more bad guys, coming to grips with their pasts, finding treasure, killing even more gad buys...wait. Who wrote this intro? Image by Gee Man.
1. Prologue

Prologue

"You have something that belongs to me," a gentle but sinister voice boomed through the massive throne room.

From atop the regal throne, the old, decorated king sat frozen with fear as a dark, menacing, crimson-hooded figure approached him. The figure's fell wand crackled and snapped in his hand.

"H-how dare you!" he stuttered and wheezed. "Who do you th-th-th-think you are?"

"Oh, nobody in particular," the hooded figure replied. "Just someone here to claim what's rightfully mine."

"But...why...?"

"Didn't I just explain it to you? Do you even know what kind of power rests atop that booster seat you call a throne?"

"Booster seat?!"

"I thought not."

The figure's amber bead eyes crept up from the king's aged, bearded visage to the massive, white crystal glowing above his crowned head. With little so much as a flick of his wrist, he summoned the air around him to grasp a sneaking knight clad in gray armor by his throat, strangle him, and launch him into the doorway to the barracks beneath the throne. For good measure, he also sent a stray arrow after the hapless knight.

"Now, before we are again so rudely interrupted, your majesty, let me tell you exactly what it is I want..."


	2. Chapter 1: Home Castle

Chapter 1: Home Castle

The barracks. A huge space lined with hay, food, and drink for the many soldiers gathered there. All but four were clad in cloud gray armor, laid back, enjoying what they thought was another day of lasting peace.

The four who stood out carried about their own business.

One, clad in blood red and secluded in a corner, knelt before his planted longsword in fervent prayer, his shield resting beside him. His dark scarlet beard and scalp stubble seemed to try desperately to spring forth from his deep brown, strong-jawed visage.

Another, clad in iron blue, stroked his silvery katana again and again with a polishing rock as he sat on a stool. Not bothering to turn his freckle-spotted cream face to the other soldiers, he paused to bat his disheveled blond bangs away from his sky blue eyes.

A third, clad in flaming orange, danced feverishly at the middle of the room, both obeying and defying the music, his shield gauntlet doing little to hinder his moves. Slivers of his jade green eyes peeked out of his almost deathly pale face as his mud brown mop of a haircut. His stubby but sturdy war hammer rested beside a nearby wine barrel.

And a fourth, clad in sickly green, strangled a training dummy and punched its head, almost losing track of his halberd. From within his faded goldenrod face, his red brown glare remained fixed on the dummy, the streaks of dark red on his otherwise black hair seeming to twitch with each punch.

These four, the other knights say, were once members of the royal guard, elite of the elite. As well as being fearsome warriors throughout their training days, they were also deft magic users, trained in both the martial and elemental arts. They had briefly left the royal guard behind for lives as mercenaries-whom the bards and minstrels had sung of as the Castle Crashers-but returned to the king's side with the onset of a great and terrible war. Now back in the company of their brethren in arms, they sat idle, watching the other knights grow complacent with this long time of undisturbed peace.

Until...

BAM! CRUNK! CLUMP!

A gray knight came tumbling down the stairs, his side gored by an arrow. He landed face down at the bottom, barely alive, leaving all else in the room to gasp...except of course for the Castle Crashers, who were too busy with their own business. Another gray knight rushed to the fallen knight's side and knelt beside him.

"Gray Knight 82!" he cried out. "What happened?!"

"..." said the dying knight.

"What was that? I couldn't hear you."

"Wi...z...zard..."

An eerie silence gripped the room as Gray Knight 82 breathed his last.

"He's dead, isn't he?" said a third gray knight, urging the second knight to check his vitals.

"Yep," he confirmed. "Dead as dirt."

"How tragic..."

"Well, you know what time it is," said a fourth gray knight, picking up his sword.

And with that, the gray knights gathered as one mass and charged up the stairs to meet their fallen comrade's assailant. Only the four knights of the Castle Crashers remained, the red and blue the first to notice their gray counterparts' absence.

"Wait," said the orange knight as he stopped dancing. "What's going on?"

"You heard what he said, did you not, Lumiere?" said the red knight, rising from his knees. "A fell presence falls upon us now."

"Oh, right, because generic guys suddenly showing up dying is always a bad sign, isn't it?"

The green knight stopped to glance at his red and orange companions before punching the dummy one last time. "Did someone say dying?"

"Yes, Saul," said the blue knight, sheathing his katana. "And if that gray knight's death means anything, it can only mean one thing."

"Indeed, Anton," replied the red knight. "We are once more called to serve our king and land in their hour of need."

"And that means we get girls, right?" added the orange knight.

"And kill people?" asked the green knight.

"...Sure," sighed the blue knight. "Why not?"

The red knight uprooted his sword, scooped up his shield, and brandished both high to the doorway at the top of the stairs. "Then come, my brothers! By our honor, we shall defend this kingdom with our lives! To battle!"

"But first, we need our helmets, Gottfried."

"Oh, yes. Of course. Our helmets."

Without another word, the four knights donned their cylindrical helmets, identical in all but the color of their trimmings, which matched their respective armor. Then, they readied their weapons, eyes steeled for the trials that awaited them.

* * *

><p>Upon reaching the top of the stairwell, they entered the throne room to the din of great battle outside.<p>

"Where have you guys been?" spat the king from atop his throne. "The Evil Wizard has already made off-"

"Wait a sec," said Lumiere (the orange knight). "Evil Wizard? I thought we offed that guy years ago."

"Apparently not," said Anton (the blue knight), "considering that whatever that crystal was that used to be on the king's throne is gone now."

Indeed, the white crystal that once adorned the king's throne was missing.

"Well, don't just stand there like idiots!" hollered the king. "After him! And bring back that crystal!"

"At once, my liege!" boomed Gottfried (the red knight), signaling his comrades to follow suit. "This way, Castle Crashers!"

"Hold it," said Lumiere as he and his fellow knights followed their leader. "How do we know which way the Evil Wizard went?"

"Just listen for the screaming and the horror," said Anton.

"And the more screaming as I chop people to bits," added Saul (the green knight), scarce able to contain his excitement.

"Yeah. Just make sure we're not three of those people."

Onward the Castle Crashers ventured, and it was not long before they encountered a trio of villagers-one of whom was inexplicably on fire-fleeing from a squad of horn-helmed barbarians. Usually little more than a nuisance on the countryside, guilty of little more than ransacking, pillaging, kidnapping, and raping, these barbarians attacked with seemingly unnatural vigor. They actually intended to kill people.

The Castle Crashers thus ran out to meet them, weapons bared, magic charged. Their first real battle in a long time.

"Oh, and I've been meaning to ask," said Lumiere, "but 'Castle Crashers?' Who came up with that name?"

"You did," said Anton. "Remember what happened at Lightbringer's Peak?"

"You mean before or after the exploding bacon?" asked Saul.

"...Never mind. Just keep fighting."

They made...relatively short work of their barbarian foes and proceeded to climb the stairs. At the top, they saw another squad of barbarians, taking away four princesses, each clothed in a dress to match a different Castle Crasher.

"Help me!" cried out the red-dressed damsel, her bright orange curls swaying almost in time with her arms and tear-filled green eyes.

"Somebody, please!" yelled the green-dressed damsel, her eyes shut behind her jet black tatters for hair.

"You'd better pray I don't get loose!" snarled the blue-dressed damsel, pounding her captor's back like a drum as her blond hair and blue eyes burned with anger and desperation.

"Mmmmmmph!" brayed the purple-haired, orange-dressed damsel, dragged by her ankle as her face scraped the castle floor.

"Hey," said Lumiere. "Aren't those the princesses who came here on diplomatic missions last week?"

"Indeed," said Gottfried. "I believe they are."

"Forget about them," said Anton. "We'll leave them to the royal guards."

"B-b-b-but...what about the kidnappers? And the killing of the kidnappers and the murder?" sputtered Saul.

"Our mission is to find that wizard and retrieve that crystal, not rescue damsels in distress."

"Saul's cruel bloodlust aside, we cannot simply abandon them," said Gottfried.

"Why not?"

"Were we to abandon those four maidens, we would be no better than the Evil Wizard."

"We'd be no worse either. And who's to say that the wizard is evil? Who's not to say we are?"

"What are you talking about?" said Lumiere.

"Do you know how many people we've killed? More than I'd care to count, that's for sure."

"They started it."

"Other people payed us to off them, didn't they?"

"Well...yeah."

"After the scoundrels we were paid to kill had killed others," added Gottfried. "But the money was never the issue. What was the issue was that we had done good and they had done evil."

"There's no such thing as good or evil," said Anton. "It's just a matter of perspective."

"By that same argument, there is every such thing as good and evil. We simply side with the highest calling possible from our flawed humanity."

"Yeah," said Lumiere. "Besides, we've been over this about a million times. Who do you think is the leader of this group?"

"Uh, guys?" said Saul. "Those barbarian guys are getting away."

Turning back to their comrade, Gottfried, Anton, and Lumiere saw Saul standing amidst a thick carpet of mangled body parts and noxious liquid. His halberd's head dripped with blood and magical venom. The poisoned, splintered remains of a nearby siege tower leaned against the battlements.

"Remind me never to get on your bad side," shivered Lumiere.


	3. Chapter 2: The Castle Keep

Chapter 2: The Castle Keep

The din of almost a dozen weapons clashing and hacking greeted the four champions as they entered the keep. At the base of the stairs stood a lone gray knight against another squad of barbarians. Though he fought well, he was slowly losing ground as the barbarians closed in around him.

"We must aid him," said Gottfried. "Forward, my brothers!"

"Wait. Why?" said Lumiere. "He's just going to die sometime later on this journey of ours."

"How will we know it is him?"

"He's a generic soldier. Those guys never live all the way through."

"Who cares?" said Saul, charging down the stairwell with his halberd brandished high. "FIGHTY TIME! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD!"

The green knight dove headlong into the fray, whirling his halberd like a toxic tornado as he hacked his way through first one, then another barbarian. Without another word, the others followed him. Anton slid down on a sled of flash ice, kicking it off into the head of a third barbarian. Gottfried loosed a stream of lightning from his sword to decimate a fourth. And Lumiere, his hammer alight with mystic fire, slammed a mighty fireball into a fifth. The last barbarian found himself skewered on the gray knight's sword.

The skirmish won, the Castle Crashers turned to see a peasant with straw-scraggly hair creeping out from behind the nearby counter. The gray knight marched through the gate ahead.

"Boy am I glad to see you guys," he said.

"Just doing our job," said Anton.

"Of course you are. Thanks to you, though, I can reopen my shop."

"You have a shop?" said Saul.

"How else do you think we peasants get the money to pay your taxes?"

"Point taken, good sir," said Gottfried. "What wares do you carry?"

"You mean what am I willing to sell? I'm afraid all I've got is this." The peasant waved his arm to his side, and there sat a massive cache of potions and swords. Anton sheathed his katana, took up one of the swords on sale, and waved it about as easily as if it was a butter knife. He then took off his glove and ran his finger along its edge. At last, he banged it several times against the counter before it broke in two.

"No wonder the gray knights die so often," he quipped, discarding the broken sword. "This kingdom should really invest in better quality steel."

"Good thing this guy's got so many potions, though," said Lumiere, swiping one of the tangerine-sized bottles of crimson elixir and leaving a handful of gold coins in its place. "Good to the last drop in more ways than one. Now, why can't the king invest in these?"

"To be fair, he has his hands full with other matters throughout the land," said Gottfried. "No one man can do everything."

"True. True."

"Everyone, buy as many potions as you can reasonably carry. We may need them."

They complied, each carrying five and paying the peasant shopkeeper in kind.

"Godspeed," said Gottfried.

"Thanks," said Anton.

"Glad we could help you. Thanks a lot, buddy. See you in the end credits," said Lumiere.

"What end credits?" said Saul.


	4. Chapter 3: Barbarian War

Chapter 3: Barbarian War

KRACKOOM!

The boom of a heavy cannonball from out of the sky rattled the castle gate, its drawbridge previously lowered to let the gray knights face the oncoming barbarians. Onto this bridge strode the Castle Crashers, weapons at the ready. They only had to look once to see how the battle - no, the slaughter - was faring.

"Outnumbered, outgunned, and getting massacred," said Lumiere. "Even by generic fighter standards, this is pretty messed up."

"Indeed," concurred Gottfried. "The gray knights are in dire straits this day."

"I warned them about their equipment at the end of the last war," quipped Anton.

KRACKOOM!

Another cannonball crashed down nearby, smearing a defending gray knight into a gory pulp. A spray of his blood spattered onto Saul's helmet, bidding the advancing barbarians to press their assault.

"Never mind," said Saul. "Can we just get to killing?"

A barbarian's arrow glancing off Lumiere's helmet confirmed this motion.

"Forward, Castle Crashers!" boomed Gottfried. "This day, we fight!"

They charged across the bridge and into the fray. Their endless years of training served them well as they cut through their admittedly formidable foes. From Gottfried's streams of deadly lightning and Lumiere's burning blasts of fire to Anton's speedy finesse and mobility and Saul's brute strength and ferocity, the Castle Crashers fought with vigor unlike any experienced in a long time. At last, they vanquished their foes, but more barbarians approached. The remaining gray knights stood to face them head on.

The Castle Crashers advanced to aid them.

As one barbarian beat down a gray knight, an intervening bolt of lightning from Gottfried's sword blasted the barbarian away. The grateful gray knight rose to his feet and picked up what little remained of his sword for battle. More barbarians closed in around the five knights, but the Castle Crashers cut them down and/or blasted them to smithereens all the same. There was one instance when two barbarians tried to pull Lumiere apart by his arms, but he quickly torched them.

Proceeding further, they spotted another gray knight futilely attempting to resuscitate his fallen comrade, oblivious to the hooded thief approaching him from behind. There would be time to mourn the dead later; Anton quickly cut down the thief before he could raise his bow. As he glimpsed the curved instrument of war, its bowstring still freshly taut, he scooped it up and mounted it on his back.

"This'll come in handy," he thought to himself.

All around the Castle Crashers, the barbarian horde advanced, but still the four brave champions carried on. Well, there was that one time when Gottfried had an iron crossbow bolt stuck in his right buttock, that other time where several barbarians dog piled Anton (before he cut them all off of him), and that time where Saul accidentally gassed Lumiere along with several other barbarians with a burst of poison magic. Come to think of it, the fight was a lot rougher for the Castle Crashers than some historians and bards would want to tell of.

But I digress.

Eventually, the four heroes reached the outer palisade of the barbarian stronghold, where they were greeted by a large wooden tank with a flaming ram's head likeness of metal mounted on its front. Atop its back rested two great cannons poised to rain death on anyone who stood in its way.

"Fear the Ram-Mobile!" a gruff voice boomed from inside. "How...aptly named..." said Lumiere moments before it slammed into him.

"Castle Crashers, attack!" cried Gottfried as he leaped at the oncoming vehicle. With swing after swing of his sword, he chipped away at the Ram-Mobile's shell. The boom of one of its cannons did little to faze him until the cannonball crashed down near Anton and Saul. Distracted, Gottfried paused his assault to glance back, but found relief in seeing them unharmed. He turned back to see the vehicle's shell being cranked up to reveal its barbarian crew.

One of the barbarians pounced on Gottfried and tackled him to the ground, but the red knight flipped him over with his shield. Anton and Saul charged at the tank, their weapons brandished high to aid their leader. As Anton neared the tank, he kicked his flying ice board out from under him, letting it skewer another bandit as Saul jammed his halberd into Gottfried's attacker. A second cannonball crashed down, this time scattering the three knights as the tank lowered is shell.

Lumiere staggered to his feet, but the splash of a third cannonball bowled him back down.

"This is taking too long," said Saul. "I came here to kill stuff, not break stuff."

Anton, recovering from the splash of a fourth cannonball, eyed the crossbow bolt from eight paragraphs ago as he finally pulled it out of Gottfried's buttock. "Gottfried," he barked, "cover me!"

Gottfried complied, and Anton charged at the Ram-Mobile. Sidestepping its next charge, he jammed the bolt into one of the wheels, letting the vehicle grind to a halt. The shell rose again, and this time, the entire crew jumped out for battle. Again, the Castle Crashers found themselves in pitched combat, but this time, the barbarians seemed set to overwhelm them. All except Lumiere, of course; he was busy dusting himself off from his repeated knockdowns. That is, until he saw the Ram-Mobile's exposed engine. Without a second thought, he conjured a fireball in his palm and heaved it in a high arc.

KADOOJ!

In an instant, the Ram-Mobile was replaced by a towering inferno, and its barbarian crew inexplicably flopped on the ground, dead.

"Let me guess," said Anton. "All according to plan."

"Not exactly," said Gottfried. "I simply acted out of necessity. But that matters not for now. Our goal remains in sight."

"Wait. You mean our goal is before or after those random barbarians I killed in their sleep after Lumiere blew up the Ram-Mobile?" asked Saul, his halberd drenched in fresh blood.

"Damn it, Saul," groaned Lumiere.

* * *

><p>So, after yet another boring excursion across a bridge-type thing infested with more barbarians, the Castle Crashers finally entered a decrepit arena, its stands packed with barbarian spectators. At the far end, before a large red door with a yellow frowny face emblazoned on it stood a beefy barbarian, his arms and torso seeming too large for his legs. He let out a battle roar that sounded more like a bear yawn before the door exploded loose from its hinges and flattened him. Into the arena stepped a colossal barbarian chieftain, his horned mask almost a part of his already grotesque face. On his back rested a huge plank covered with iron spikes.<p>

"That's a big barbarian," gasped Lumiere.

"Yes, we can see that," said Anton.

"Brega! Brega!" chanted the crowd of barbarians from the stands.

"And the crowd doesn't like us at all," said Lumiere.

"Yes, we can hear that," said Anton.

The massive barbarian charged at the Castle Crashers, belting Gottfried away with a mighty swing of his fist. The red knight's shield mitigated the damage from the punch itself, but he had to spring up on his own to recover. A ripple of applause washed over the crowd. The other Castle Crashers rushed the barbarian boss with vigor and vim, but to little avail as he beat them back with the plank on his back. Anton and Saul landed on their feet, Lumiere his face. Anton dove at the chieftain's legs with his katana brandished. He missed as the giant jumped over him and barely flinched in the face of first a crash from Saul's halberd, then a fireball from Lumiere. He then rushed at the orange knight and flattened him with his plank.

At the farthest row of the stands, three of the four captive princesses were hoisted away, leaving the red princess tied to a large wooden pole. Only Gottfried paid this deed heed...before Lumiere came skidding at his feet.

"Dude, what this guy eat for breakfast?! Jet fuel?!" squealed Lumiere as he rose up.

On cue, the barbarian boss pulled forth a giant glass bottle of noxious liquid and gulped it down.

"Apparently, so," grunted Anton.

One obnoxious belch later, he sailed across the arena, leaving behind a trail of rancid fire that scorched Lumiere. The Castle Crashers regrouped at the far end of the arena, seeing their husky foe tired.

"Saul, to my shield!" shouted Gottfried.

"Oh, yeah!" squealed Saul, hopping onto Gottfried's shield.

"Lumiere, light him!"

"Done," said Lumiere, setting fire to the head of Saul's halberd.

"Anton, strike at the legs again!"

"Didn't you see what he-?" started Anton.

"Just do it!"

As the Husky Barbarian Chieftain lunged forward, Gottfried blasted Saul into the air off his shield, and Anton formed a hoverboard of ice and rode out to lash at the giant's legs. Once again, the barbarian jumped over him, but this time, he met a mighty surge of lightning from Gottfried's sword, followed quickly by the descending Saul's fire-infused halberd to the skull.

YYKABOOJ!

The fire and electricity reacted together to create a massive explosion that felled the barbarian. Anton kicked off of his board to rejoin Gottfried and Lumiere. Saul flipped back and landed beside his comrades, dazed and smoking but still able to fight.

The entire crowd was stunned silent until...

"Boo!" Saul barked, forcing the barbarians to flee the stands like whimpering puppies. "Wait! Come back! We only want to kill you a little bit!"

"Let them go," said Gottfried, returning his attention to the red princess.

"Help! Please! Somebody! Save me!" she cried.

"Pipe down, princess," said Anton. "We'll cut you down."

"Allow me, brothers," said Gottfried as he leapt up to the pole and cut the princess free. Gently, the red maiden fluttered down from the pole and landed on her feet...which just so happened to crunch Lumiere into the dirt. Again.

"Oh, come on!" groaned Lumiere as the red princess stepped off of his head.

"Oh, fair one, behold thy humble servant, Sir Gottfried the Gallant of the Castle Crashers," said Gottfried, kneeling before her.

"My hero," sighed the red princess.

"Oh, no, milady. Merely one of your four heroes."

"One of four? You're the one who cut me loose from the pole, aren't you?"

"...Well, yes..." stammered Gottfried.

"Then you're the one who saved me. Therefore, you're my hero. You know what that means."

"No, I do not."

Saul and Anton uprooted Lumiere in time for the three of them to witness the red princess smothering the surprised Gottfried's helmet with a kiss.

"Oh, come on!" exclaimed Lumiere.

"She's just doing her job," quipped Anton. "Get used to it."


	5. Chapter 4: Finally, a Good Chapter Title

Chapter 4: Finally, a Good Chapter Title

"You never kissed a girl before?" hollered Lumiere. "What kind of whack is that?"

"I may lead our band of mercenaries, but I am still first a knight," grumbled Gottfried, wiping the last of the red princess' lipstick from his helmet. "I live to serve God, the king, and my country, not sleep with every woman I save."

"Why don't you get that stick out of your ass and live a little?"

"Why don't _you_ start following your head instead of your crotch?" shot Anton, trying to maintain his cool.

"And why don't all of you give me something to yell about for once?" butted in Saul.

Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention that they were all in a tranquil meadow outside a forest. And that a small band of bandits had spotted them from across said meadow. And the thieves looked like Jawas from Star Wars, except that their hoods were closed over their faces and they didn't speak gibberish. And one of them was riding an alligator dinosaur thingy with two legs.

I also forgot to mention that before they had arrived at this forest-I mean meadow, they had returned to the castle, asked about the local blacksmith, and gone to said blacksmith to buy new weapons and armor and stuff, and Lumiere picked up a shiny brass compass.

And now, back to the plot in progress.

"HMMMMMMMMMMMMPH!" screamed Lumiere, his head caught in the dinosaur steed's mouth.

The beast carried its hapless prey around as the other three Castle Crashers laid waste to its thief escorts. With them dead, Anton mounted the dinosaur/reptile/thingy and bucked its side with his boot.

"Drop him," he barked. The beast complied.

"Did anybody get the number on that...gator thingy?" moaned a dazed, slobbery Lumiere as Gottfried hoisted him to his feet.

There was no time to answer, for another wave of thieves approached, bows drawn and swords flashing. Their arrows sailed through the air, markedly on target...if their target was Gottfried's shield, of course. Slowly, the red Castle Crasher marched forward, his sword charged with electricity. "Anton, now!" he said.

Anton bucked his reptilian steed and charged forward, cutting down any of the thieves foolish enough to stand in his way. Leaping off of the beast, he fashioned an ice board, slid through the air, cut down another swath of thieves, and kicked off the board into the last such thief's throat.

The other three Castle Crashers mopped up the remaining thieves.

"Now, make haste," said Gottfried. "We must rescue the remaining princesses."

"Wait a sec," said Lumiere. "How do we even know these thieves took them?"

"I saw them abscond with them during our fight with the Husky Barbarian," said Anton. "Plus, the red princess told us-after kissing Gottfried's helmet-that she overheard said thieves talking about taking them to other castles."

"Also, this," said Saul, fishing a tattered contract from a dead thief's satchel.


	6. Chapter 5: Into the Woods

Chapter 5: Into the Woods

The Castle Crashers entered the dense woods to see the thieves abscond with the hapless princesses in tow, each tied to a long log with the thickest rope they could find. Now, if I was to go on about where they got the rope, that would probably take too long, so I'll just tell you about what they were doing. The Castle Crashers, I mean, not the thieves.

Deeper into the woods they marched, ever watchful, ever vigilant, ever-

"Hey, am I the only one who hears somebody talking out of thin air?" interrupted Lumiere.

"What does this person sound like?" asked Gottfried.

"I don't know. One of those narrators from the library back at Home Castle, I guess."

"Never mind that," said Anton as he gripped his katana hilt to the thundering of distant, titanic footsteps. "We've got bigger problems to worry about. Whatever's making that thundering noise doesn't seem to enjoy our presence here."

Lumiere glimpsed a brown owl perched on a branch that suddenly defecated a jet stream of white...well, whatsit...into the bush below and then fell into it. "Apparently, none of the creatures of the woods like it either."

"Then let us press on, Castle Crashers," said Gottfried.

And press on, they did.

Across stream, over cliff edge, and through ancient city ruin, they clambered and tramped. The birds chirped, the frogs croaked, and the thundering of footsteps slowly but surely drew closer. From within the undergrowth, black, fuzzy silhouettes stalked them, ever silent, ever unnoticed.

"Does anyone else feel like we're being watched?" asked Saul.

"You mean by someone or something besides the narrator of this story?" replied Lumiere.

"What narrator?" asked Anton.

An awkward silence later...

"Uh, never mind," said Lumiere, prompting a shrug between the other three.

"And you guys call me the crazy one," chuckled Saul.

Ignoring this wisecrack, they pressed on through the ruins. As they passed over a heap of rubble where a magnificent arch once stood, Anton caught his eye on a strange inscription in the nearby wall. Flagging the others to stop, he peered closer.

"What's it say?" asked Lumiere.

No answer.

"What's it-?"

"Silence," said Gottfried.

"No, it's fine," said Anton. "I was just doing that for dramatic effect. I can't read it."

"I can, Anton," the red Castle Crasher replied. "It is an ancient tongue."

"Which one?"

"...I know not its name, but I know what it says." Gottfried leaned in for a closer look.

_Crystals five, city in the sky,_  
><em>All that breathes will surely die.<em>  
><em>Heed our message. Listen in fear.<em>  
><em>Danger comes! The end is near!<em>  
><em>Yet out from four, one holy flame,<em>  
><em>The sun shines brightly upon this name.<em>

"How poetic."

"How...interesting," said Anton.

"How cheesy," said Lumiere.

"How does this thing fall apart when I stick it?" asked Saul, his halberd planted in a pile of soot where a monster's body used to be.

"Something tells me we should just ignore you, Saul, but then we'd immediately regret it," said Anton.

Passing over a cliff, the Castle Crashers stumbled across a huge brown bear emerging from a nearby bush. The bear leered amidst them as Saul clamped his hands across his halberd, but Gottfried motioned him to stay his hand. Another thundering of distant footsteps later, the bear widened its eyes, befouled the bush in fright with a noxious spray of brown, and vanished into the woods.

"Gross," groaned Lumiere.

"Keep going," said Gottfried. "We shall soon reach the fair princesses."

"How do you even know we're on the right track?"

"He doesn't," said Anton, pointing to a small squad of fleeing thieves by the nearby riverbank, "but judging by those thieves' fear-crazed gestures, I'd say we're right to trust him."

Indeed, the thieves screamed in terror a la jawa as the Castle Crashers marched forward, but it was not them they fled, as Saul may or may not have thought. Honestly, I don't know what he was thinking at the moment. Most of the time by this point, he just thinks about killing. And more killing. And more killing. Anyway, the Castle Crashers reached the entrance to an abandoned lumber mill, which...looked like...an abandoned lumber mill...and the thieves scattered every which-way.

Oh, and did I mention that it was Anton, not Gottfried who saw the thieves abscond with the princesses back in Chapter 3? Eh, but that's irrelevant now.

Here, the Castle Crashers saw a huge black fur mattress with a grotesque face and stubby feet plodding toward them from inside the ramshackle mill.

"Really? That's what the thieves were running from?" said Lumiere...before the mattress bowled him over with a mighty tackle. "Oh, come on. Why do I get beaten up all the time?"

"Because you're always in the way," said Anton, lashing at the mattress monster with his katana.

Again and again, the silvered blade cut into the monster's hide, but each time, the wounds closed on their own and left behind black fuzzballs that sprouted limbs and faces and took up sticks for battle.

"Blfvvvvvvv!" one of them squeaked before Saul impaled it with his envenomed halberd.

Again and again, the Castle Crashers struck at the mattress monster, but each time, they found themselves surrounded by its fuzzball minions.

"There's too many of them!" said Lumiere, torching a swath of minions before another struck him down from everywhere but in front of him.

"Stand and fight!" bellowed Gottfried as he jumped into another swath of minions.

Soon, the area in front of the mill was replaced by a sea of black fur and swinging weapons. The Castle Crashers seemed like they would be overwhelmed until Anton launched himself from the face of first one minion, then another, and finally dove into the gaping maw of the mattress monster. Seconds later, the mattress lurched, heaved, and finally exploded into a bare skeleton that fell away as Anton spun out in a gust of steel and ice. All of the remaining minions immediately collapsed into fuzz and eyeballs.

"Why do they always do that?" muttered Anton.

His inquiry was interrupted by a massive BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! noise and a score of assorted animals fleeing into the mill.

"Castle Crashers, into the mill!" shouted Gottfried.

Without another word, they complied.


	7. Chapter 6: RUN!

Chapter 6: RUN!

Inside the abandoned mill, the Castle Crashers stood ready to face whatever terror may come through the gate...except for the great KADOOJ! of the doors that hailed the arrival of a gigantic black face of fuzz with catlike bug eyes and a Cheshire cat smile.

"RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRLLLLLLLLLL!" it bellowed, bidding the animals inside to run for their lives.

"Let's get out of here!" exclaimed Lumiere.

"This way," barked Gottfried, hopping aboard a fleeing deer.

Anton and Saul quickly followed suit as they too boarded fleeing deer. Lumiere, briefly distracted by a giant black paw crashing down beside him, jumped aboard a fourth deer. But his steed did not prance to safety as did its counterparts; it...propelled itself along the floor with its #2.

"It's fine," Lumiere told the apparently nonexistent narrator. "You can just call it the poop deer."

"Hurry up, you crazy!" hollered Saul back at Lumiere.

The Castle Crashers raced through the abandoned mill as the giant black fuzz as it crawled in hot pursuit. Over fallen log, through damaged barricade, under rotting beam, they ducked and weaved, all the while wary of their would-be assailant. I think at one point, Anton began to wonder if the mill had an end, but fortunately, that end came up shortly.

The ledge ahead signaled the Castle Crashers to dismount in haste and hope for a soft landing below.

"Are you crazy?" exclaimed Lumiere.

"We have no choice," said Gottfried. "On the count of three, jump."

"What?"

Gottfried saw the ledge rocketing toward them. "Three!"

And thus did the Castle Crashers jump from their steeds' backs as they sailed over the edge.

"MLLLLLLLLLUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWRRRR!" bellowed the colossal beast as it reached out in vain to snatch them.


	8. Chapter 7: Rapid Ride

Chapter 7: Rapid Ride

Sploosh! Splash! Splish! Splat!

One by one, the Castle Crashers landed in the raging river below. Except, of course, for Lumiere, who somehow landed face first on a floating log. He staggered to his feet as the other three swam to climb aboard whatever floating debris they could find to support them amidst the rapids.

"Hey, what do you know? My luck's changing already!" cheered Lumiere shortly before a small black bat swooped in from out of nowhere to try to bite him. "Agh! Get away from me, you rat with wings!" he shouted, swinging his hammer wildly before finally knocking it into the water with his shield gauntlet.

From atop a floating wheel, Anton unsheathed his katana and flicked water out of its scabbard before cutting down another bat swooping in behind him. Gottfried shook his armor free of water from atop the head of a passing carp, slapping yet another bat from the air with his shield. And Saul, from atop the back of a floating bandit's corpse, grabbed onto a fourth bat and tried to ride it but sent them both plunging into the water.

"Saul, don't-ugh! Why does he keep doing that?" sputtered Anton.

"He will live," said Gottfried. "For now, focus on avoiding those massive fish."

"What fi-?" started Lumiere before being knocked into the water by a massive, olive green frog/fish hybrid creature jumping into him. The ensuing wrestling match between man and beast left Lumiere gasping for air, but finally, he blasted himself out of the water in a tall column of scalding steam and landed back onto his log. The fish was replaced with a huge mass of flash steamed meat that sank beneath the waves.

"That one."

Two more fish creatures careened toward Lumiere, but this time, the orange knight was ready. He leaped over one charging fish and torched the other in midair with a mighty stream of flame.

"And those ones," continued Anton, skewering the charging fish with a giant katana-mounted icicle while dodging a passing shark.

The three knights continued to sail the rapids, dodging rock, shark, and big fish creature until finally...

SMOOJ!

A cannonball sailed through the air and smashed in the face of yet another big fish. The Castle Crashers about-faced to see their king riding a small but regal warship mounted with a huge cannon. Several gray knights escorted him.

"Castle Crashers!" barked the king. "I have come to lend you my aid."

"We noticed!" said Anton.

"Did you notice me?" shouted Saul from atop the cannon, his halberd's head draped in the skin of a bat.

"Why are we not surprised?" said Lumiere.

"I don't know. Should you be?"

At that moment, a menacing, gray shark fin pierced the surface of the water, and soon, a massive, white, shaggy cat creature rose up. Its broad snaggle-toothed mouth hung open as its soulless blue eyes fixed upon the king's ship. On its back rode some anthropomorphic polar bear with a telescope.

"I don't know who you are, but you'll never get to the Wizard!" shouted the bear. "Sic 'em, boy!"

On command, the cat creature drifted to one side of the ship's bow and threw a vicious right hook at the three drifting Castle Crashers. Gottfried held firm against the punch from behind his shield. Anton nimbly dodged. Lumiere got knocked into the water.

The cat threw another punch, then another, and another, until at last, it dove beneath the surface and rocketed forward to tackle them. This time, Gottfried and Anton too were forcibly dismounted.

"Okay, that's it!" said Saul. "I'm getting in there!"

"Wait, what are you-?" started the king.

As the cat creature returned to attack, Saul grabbed one of the gray knights and dangled him by the scruff of his tunic at the bow.

"Hey, let me go!" panicked the gray knight in vain.

"No chance," said Saul. "And before you ask, yes. I'm totally crazy!"

His eyes returned to the charging cat creature's fin.

"Bagre! Bagre!" he jeered, waving his hapless bait, and at the last second, "Ole!" He yanked the flailing gray knight back on board, letting the cat creature slam headfirst into the bow. It sank beneath the rapids and then resurfaced with an enraged snarl.

The other three Castle Crashers retrieved their drift mounts and resumed battle positions. Saul threw an empty barrel overboard and mounted it himself.

"Glad you could make it," said Lumiere, barely noticing the cat creature hocking up a huge hairball that floated toward the ship. It smeared itself into Lumiere's mount and buried it beneath the waves, dragging Lumiere with it before slipping away and crashing into the ship. Once again, Lumiere launched himself out of the water in a tall column of steam, this time catching the falling Saul on his way up. The two landed atop another bandit's corpse, barely enough room thereupon for the both of them.

"My hero," Saul joked.

"This is no time for jokes," said Anton as his katana futilely bounced off the cat creature's hide.

"Hahahaha! Is that all you've got?!" taunted its bear rider.

As the catfish drew back its massive fist for a punch, Anton crouched down, his katana at the ready. The creature launched its massive fist at the blue Castle Crasher, but he jumped atop it and raced up its arm.

"Wait, what?" snapped the bear. "You're not supposed to-!"

But that was as far as he got before Anton cut the harness of his saddle and sent him plummeting into the rapids with a scream. The catfish thrashed about, trying to shake Anton loose, but the blue knight managed to claw and scratch his way to the top of the monster's head and plunge his katana into its skull. With a yowl of agony, the catfish reared backwards, exposing its neck.

"Now, your majesty!" he shouted. "Now!" On cue, a cannonball sailed from the king's cannon into the creature's throat, killing it. Anton uprooted his katana, leaped off the creature's head, and landed on a makeshift ice floe.

"Bad kitty! Bad!" scoffed Lumiere at the sinking cat creature's carcass, yielding a groan from Anton.

"I get it," said Saul with a fish in his hand.


	9. Chapter 8: A Very Bat Day

Chapter 8: A Very Bat Day

From atop his twisted throne, the Wizard looked upon the dark wastelands below. He gently caressed the great white crystal with his fingers and glimpsed its face.

"Soon," he whispered.

* * *

><p>As the king and his knights reached the riverbank, the Castle Crashers dismounted from his boat and raced ashore.<p>

"We shall scout ahead, your majesty," said Gottfried, "and clear a path for you and your men."

"Aren't you my men, too?" said the king.

"Not necessarily. We are but simple mercenaries who happen to be in your ploy."

"...Uh, what?"

"You're not our king, just our boss," said Anton.

"Speaking of bosses," said Lumiere, tapping Anton's shoulder and pointing to an approaching band of polar bear people with assorted makeshift weapons, "who do you think sent those guys?"

A blast of mystic wind sailed through the air and blew away a nearby gray knight.

"Whoever sent them, they're attacking us," said Saul. "Let's get 'em!"

"Forward, Castle Crashers!" shouted Gottfried, drawing his sword and shield. "Defend the king and his camp!"

And to make a long story short, the Castle Crashers killed the bear people and moved onward. But really, did you think the story would just end there? Not if enemy reinforcements had anything to say about it, and in point of fact, they did.

"You'll pay for what you did to Bob and his pet Catfish!" shouted their flag-bearing leader.

"Wait a minute," said Lumiere. "They can talk?"

"Of course we can talk!"

"Who cares?" said Saul. "They're trying to kill us!"

Indeed, the flag-bearing bear and his comrades met the Castle Crashers head on and knocked them five ways to Tuesday. Upside whirlwind, downside fish club, and through wind balls and uppercuts, the four brave champions found themselves outmatched...that is, until Gottfried slew one of the lesser bears with a sword point through his skull.

"No! Ste-!" started the flag-bear, but an opportune fireball from Lumiere's palm to his gut cut him short. Saul pounced at the hapless bear, but he quickly blew him off, unaware of Lumiere rocketing towards him as a burning human battering ram.

KRACKOOM!

Lumiere crashed into the bear, wrestled him to the ground, and spewed a stream of fire into his face. The flag-bear screamed and flailed in vain as the orange Castle Crasher torched his head. Their leader dead, the other bear people inexplicably dropped dead with him.

"Wow," said Lumiere. "What is it with bad guys and dying with their bosses?"

"Perhaps the Wizard controls them," guessed Gottfried, "or perhaps he links their souls together for more efficient command among units."

"Why don't we ask him when we see him?" said Anton sarcastically.

"Sarcasm aside, he just may tell us."

"Hey, guys?" whined Saul, stretched by his arms and legs between two beefy bear people reminiscent of the barbarian who got squashed by the frowny face door back in Chapter 3. "A little help here?"

Suddenly, a small, orbicular ram creature hurtled through the air, whizzed past the other Castle Crashers...

"BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

...and knocked down the bears, setting Saul free. Gottfried, Anton, and Lumiere rallied to him as he retrieved his halberd and laid waste to the remaining enemies. As Anton swept his katana to the side, he noticed the orbicular ram creature floating beside Saul.

"I think it likes you," he said.

"Does i-?" Saul started, only to be interrupted by the ram cuddling up to his side. "Hey! Get off of me!" he spat, trying to force it away.

"Mmm, yep. It likes him," concurred Lumiere.

"How do I get it to unlike me? I don't like sheep!"

"Why not?" asked Gottfried.

"Uh, guys?" said Anton. "I'd hate to interrupt, but..."

He pointed to two distant figures atop the cliffs above, accompanied by what appeared to be two women tied to large logs carried by bandits. The other Castle Crashers turned their eyes to follow his finger. Gottfried squinted to make them out further.

"What are they saying?" asked Lumiere.

"How should I know?" replied Anton.

"Okay, so next question: who are they?"

"Lest I be mistaken, those are two of the remaining fair maidens we must rescue," said Gottfried.

"Most likely," agreed Anton.

Their thoughts were interrupted by an arrow zooming by Anton's face and landing at his feet. Another arrow quickly followed, then several more soon after, and suddenly, the air was filled with arrows. The Castle Crashers snapped to see two huge wheeled, box-like machines spit volley after volley of arrows in high arcs, all the while doing their best to avoid the onslaught. Saul and Lumiere were each struck with several arrows, but none hit fatally. Anton tried to swat away those that came near him with his katana, but he too was struck.

"Castle Crashers, stand behind me!" shouted Gottfried, hoisting his shield above his head.

The others rallied behind him as he marched forward, the rain of arrows dribbling harmlessly off his shield. At last, they reached the machines, which Gottfried blasted apart with a stream of lightning, killing their bear people operators.

"Oh, come on!" complained Lumiere. "How come you get a shield?"

"None of you opted for them," said Gottfried. "Besides, may I remind you that I am the heaviest of foot of us all?"

"Oh, right. And for the last time, nobody talks like that."

"Evidence suggests differently, but that is irrelevant. We must make haste if we are to retrieve the maidens."

The Castle Crashers complied, scaling the cliff face just in time to see the hooded figures and their captives vanish without a trace.

"Aw, they got away," said Saul.

"They cannot have gone far," said Gottfried. "This way!" And with that, he raced across the stone bridge and into the mouth of the cavern. The other Castle Crashers followed him one by one.

* * *

><p>The four knights were greeted in the dark, dank cave entrance by a brownish gray slime blob with black dots for eyes.<p>

"What's that thing?" said Saul, gripping his halberd tightly.

"I don't know," said Anton, "but maybe we shouldn't bother it. We need to-"

"BLLLLBAUBLALKADJFGLE!" screamed Lumiere as the blob leaped onto his head and sucked on his face. He tried to claw it off, but only when Anton peeled it loose with his katana did it finally hop away. Though tough, it stood little chance against the Castle Crasher's weaponry.

The slime defeated, they proceeded further into the cave, only to be greeted by more slime blobs dripping from the ceiling. They too attacked, but the Castle Crashers dispatched them. Deeper into the cave, they trekked, besieged by wave after wave of slime blobs. At last, the last of them seemed to dissipate, but by then, it was impossible for them to see.

"Dyaba-hey! Ow! Whoever just spiked me in the butt, watch where you're going!" yelped Lumiere.

"Sorry," said Saul.

A crackling hum of electricity later, Gottfried illuminated the cave with the glowing blade of his longsword.

"Oh, right. I forgot you could do that," said Lumiere.

"You could've just lit up the place with your fire magic," remarked Anton, "but seeing as that would eat up the air in the cave, you made a good call not to."

"This way, my brethren," said Gottfried, lighting the way through the cavern.

Eventually, the Castle Crashers stumbled upon a small recess at the end, its mouth flanked by a weathered inscription of symbols matching those they found in the ruins by the river.

"Oh, look," said Saul. "More words we can't read."

Gottfried held his sword to the inscription and read aloud.

_The fire of Heaven, though mighty and pure,_  
><em>Can stand alone against Hell no more.<em>  
><em>He calls to sire the children of Earth<em>  
><em>To raise the elements and show their worth.<em>  
><em>Remember, the Four remember the one,<em>  
><em>For together, they see that justice be done.<em>

"There is something else," he added, lowering his sword point further.

_Beware of Bat_

"What's that mean?" asked Saul.

"It means get down!" shouted Anton, lashing his katana out at a huge, slobbering wisp of crimson flesh as it swooped in from the darkness and just as quickly vanished.

The Castle Crashers turned to find themselves helms to face with a colossal bat-like creature hovering above them. Its hollow, scarlet eyes scanned among them to fixate on which one to eat first. Its ridiculously tiny wings beat furiously to keep it aloft. Its crooked, fanged maw hung open to let the tip of its crimson tongue teeter at its lower lip.

Gottfried prepared to strike, but Anton stayed his hand. "No," he said. "We need that thing to see."

Without hesitation, the other three Castle Crashers circled the beast, looking for an opening. As it flew about, it defecated lumps of noxious...uh, you know...guano...that its prospective prey did well to avoid. As it landed, it tried to lick them with its massive tongue, blood trailing its every swipe. As the monstrous bat rose to the air, a horde of smaller bats flew through the recess at the end and assaulted the Castle Crashers.

"Again with the rats with wings!" shouted Lumiere, blasting some of the tiny bats out of the air with his flames.

"Just keep fighting!" said Anton. "There's got to be some way to-" The monster bat's tongue stopped his speech cold as it catapulted him into the cavern wall.

"Anto-!" Saul tried to shout, but many of the remaining bats blanketed him with their fangs.

Lumiere readied a fire spell, but more and more bats poured out from the cave recess. One by two by three by four, they bit down on Anton, Saul, and Lumiere, buying time for their patriarch to finish them off.

Finally, Gottfried had enough; he launched himself through the air with a burst of lightning at his feet and gored the monster bat's side with his sword. To his surprise, he slid through the bat's side and onto the cave floor, eviscerating his target on the way down. The electrified blade was doused on impact, and the dying creature crashed atop its killer. The panicked cries of suddenly leaderless bats filled the cavern air as Saul and Lumiere struck back, hacking and burning as many bats as they could reach in the dark.

The returning darkness was broken by the torches of the king and his gray knight escort. The king himself sat astride the back of a regal brown horse draped in heavy gray armor.

"What are you four doing?" he spat to the struggling Castle Crashers. "Get away from that recess in the cave wall!"

"...What, your majesty?" gasped Gottfried as Saul pried the monster bat's cloven corpse off of him.

"The king and his men are setting bombs in the recess where all those bats came out of," said Anton.

Just as he was about to ask who had killed all of said bats, but then, his eyes fell on Lumiere and Saul, the former of whom was hauling Gottfried to his feet and the latter petting his new pet floating ram orb.

"I can't believe I'm saying this," quipped Anton, "but Lumiere, Saul, thanks for saving my and Gottfried's lives."

"No sweat," replied Lumiere, draping Gottfried's arm over his shoulder. "We Castle Crashers gotta stick together."

Anton said nothing, but one could almost see him smile amused beneath his helmet. All four of them made sure to stay clear of the bombs the gray knights detonated to blast a hole in the cavern wall, and the light of the sun immediately poured in.


	10. Chapter 9: The Wedding That Wasn't--P1

Chapter 9: The Wedding That Wasn't, Part 1

As the king, the Castle Crashers, and the gray knights adjusted their eyes, they saw a seemingly endless sea of assorted flowers lying in a field before them. In the distance, a huge castle towered over the field. Two other gray knights flanked the group with wheeled catapults, each loaded with a man-sized boulder and cocked to fire. The catapults' launching arms, needless to say, had scoops large enough to accommodate any knight.

"So..." said Saul. "What are we doing here?"

"Weren't you paying attention?" said Gottfried. "We're tracking down the kidnappers of the-"

"Hold it," interrupted Lumiere. " Gottfried, you just talked normally!"

"Yes, so, what of it?"

"You never talk normally!"

"Of course I do. I just prefer speaking as the knights of old did. And yes, I know none speak that way anymore."

"...Then, why do you keep talking that way?"

Gottfried breathed a sigh. "Someone must set an example."

"Speaking of examples," said the king, "will you three pay attention before I make one out of all of you?"

A gray knight stepped forth and presented a tattered map of the kingdom. "While you four were busy fighting in the cave," he said, "we managed to track down the green princess and her captors to Sea of Flowers Castle."

"Why do they call it that?" asked Saul.

Anton's reply dripped with sarcasm. "Oh, I don't know. Maybe because it's surrounded by fields of flowers?"

The ram orb bleated as it munched on a nearby flower. Anton, taking the silent hint, straightened himself.

"Sorry. It's just...this has been really stressful. More so than usual."

"Don't spoil it," said Lumiere.

The king and his escorts marched naught but ten meters out of the cave when a swarm of huge bee people descended upon them and attacked. Fortunately, they were easily dispatched. Not so was another swarm of bee people accompanied by what appeared to be midnight blue beekeeper knights. One such knight almost reached the king and his horse, but Gottfried blasted him away with a lightning bolt before he could lay a hand on him.

"Oh, thanks," said the king.

"You are welcome," said Gottfried.

They reached the edge of an expansive cliff that overlooked the host castle and mounted the catapults to fire their payloads.

"Fire One!" barked the king.

The operators cocked the catapult arms and loosed the boulders in high arcs. To everyone's dismay but that of the Castle Crashers, the boulders bounced off the castle walls, leaving behind little more than small craters.

"Fire Two!"

"Uh, sire, that was all we had," said one of the operators.

"Not quite," said Gottfried, hopping into one of the catapult cups.

"What? You want us to throw people at the castle? Wouldn't that hurt?"

"Not at it; onto it."

"What?"

"He means we should launch ourselves onto the castle wall so we can storm it directly."

"Oh," said Lumiere and all of the gray knights.

"Capital idea," said the king. "Carry it out."

"Wait," said the second operator. "How do we know these things can even throw one of us?"

"Like this!" said Saul, triggering the other catapult with his halberd and launching himself at the wall. He landed safely atop the battlements and prepared to battle the guards stationed there.

"...All right, so, who's next?"

"Castle Crashers, we fly together," said Gottfried, beckoning Anton and Lumiere to join him on his catapult. Anton complied, but Lumiere hesitated.

"Hold on," he said. "Are you sure that thing can throw all of us at once?"

"How much did those boulders weigh?" asked Anton, prompting all of the other knights to try to calculate. "I'll save you the trouble. More than any four of us combined. Now, come on. We don't have much time."

"Okay."

"For the king!" shouted Gottfried as he, Anton, and Lumiere were launched together to join Saul amidst the chaos of battle.

The Castle Crashers bested laser blade, bomb, and cone head knight as they fought their way along the battlements. Their gray knight escorts proved surprisingly competent as well. There was the occasional complaint from Lumiere about the cone heads' laser blades being cheap knock-offs of fantasy weapons from some famous movie franchise and of Gottfried's seeming inability to pick a speech pattern and stick with it, but that's beside the point.

"This way! Hurry!" said Gottfried as he fought his way to a large stain glass window at the far end of the battlements.

"Wait," said Lumiere. "What's that window doing there of all places?"

"Who cares? Just come this way!"


	11. Chapter 9: The Wedding That Wasn't--P2

Chapter 9: The Wedding That Wasn't, Part 2

Inside the castle's elaborately decorated ballroom, the green princess, now clad in a long, flowing white wedding gown and matching headdress, stood beside another conehead knight in a tuxedo. Beside them stood a massive armored cycloptic hulk with a dull red plume atop his charcoal gray helmet. Like many a beefy warrior, his legs seemed too minuscule for his musculature.

The dark skinned princess looked first to the cyclops, then to the Conehead.

"I'm so glad we're finally getting married," she gasped, stirring the Conehead to blush beneath his helmet.

The Cyclops lurched in discomfort and clasped his hands at his belly. "Urk!" he groaned. "I don't feel so good." Without another word, he bolted to the nearest door and sped out.

The Conehead's eyes bounced back from the door to his bride-to-be. "I..." he stammered. "Do you like what we did?"

"Oh, this is perfect," cheered the princess, walking down the aisle. "The decorations. The gigantic food." She stopped before a colossal wedding cake that towered over the entire crowd. "But the best part of all...is the cake!" Her eyes met the Conehead's visor. "Everything's magnificent. Nothing could possibly ruin it. This is the happiest day of my life!"

"Well...thank you..." chuckled the bashful Conehead, rubbing the back of his helmet.

Suddenly, Gottfried, Anton, Saul, Lumiere, and their gray knight allies crashed into the ballroom through the stain glass window hung high above the cake. While the Castle Crashers plopped safely atop the cake, the gray knights crashed down to the floor in lifeless heaps. The other conehead knights jumped to their feet and drew their laser blades for battle.

"Castle Crashers, attack!" shouted Gottfried, leaping down from the cake with his sword drawn. The other Castle Crashers followed suit and joined him in battle.

"Huh..." muttered Lumiere, glimpsing the dead gray knights strewn about the base of the cake. "I really shouldn't be surprised..."

"This way! Quickly!" said the Conehead, and he and the princess retreated to the massive pipe organ at the far end of the ballroom.

The Castle Crashers fought their way through one cone head knight after another, again besting laser blade, bomb, and demon warrior...

"Hold on," said Lumiere. "What did you just kill there, Anton?"

"Just a fire demon," replied the blue knight, snapping his katana to the side. "Nothing to see for now."

"For now...?"

Eventually, though not without great difficulty, the Castle Crashers reached the far end of the ballroom. Behind them, what was once an immaculate wedding reception now lay in a smoldering ruin. The green princess gasped at the sight, but the four champions paid heed only to her apparent captor, who drew his sparking laser blade for battle.

"Release the princess and we will not harm you!" said Gottfried.

"Get behind the organ!" said the Conehead, and the princess complied, watching her would-be groom charge at the Castle Crashers.

"Why do they always want to do it the hard way?" sighed Lumiere.

One would think that four on one would be a clear advantage, but the Conehead proved a far more formidable foe than they realized. He thrashed his laser blade all about him, blocking off every angle of attack that came his way, from Lumiere's flames and Gottfried's lightning to Anton and Saul's weapons. He then concentrated on Gottfried, blasting his comrades away with a bomb lobbed over the red knight's head. Some smoke from the blast stung Gottfried's eyes, prompting him to flail his sword. But even when blinded, Gottfried held his own...that is, until the Conehead clove his shield in twain with repeated slashes from his laser blade. Gottfried fought hammer and tongs as best as he could with only his longsword, but in the end, the Conehead spun him about with a parry, clouted him with a punch, and gored him through the abdomen.

"NO!" Lumiere would have screamed if he hadn't been blasted into a table by another bomb.

As their leader collapsed on the floor, supposedly dead, Anton and Saul rose to their feet.

"Saul, go! I'll cover you!" barked Anton as he hopped aboard a hovering ice board and sailed toward the Conehead.

Unfortunately for the blue and green knights, the Conehead retreated to the organ, played a note, and raised a cage of crimson bars of electrical energy around himself. Anton kicked off his board and let it evaporate on contact with the cage, but Saul could not stop himself in time; he crashed against the cage and bounced off in an electrocuted heap. Feverishly, the Conehead played a fell tune on the organ, urging its pipes to arch forward and launch a hail of cannonballs down at the remaining Castle Crasher.

Anton ducked and dodged the cannonballs, grateful for the Conehead's apparent lack of aim as he reached the fallen Gottfried. "Come on. Don't you dare be dead," he whispered, uncorking a potion from his satchel and pouring its contents into the red knight's open wound. To his invisible relief, Gottfried stirred back to life, but celebration would have to wait for after the battle was won, for the Conehead had finished his volleys of cannonballs, lowered the cage, and charged at Anton with his laser blade drawn.

The blue Castle Crasher coated his katana in a thin film of ice as he clashed with the Conehead. As he was thrown back, he noticed steam billowing from the ice on his sword. All at once, an idea sparked in his eye. As the Conehead thrashed his laser blade at him once more, Anton launched himself into the air, swung his katana downward, and fired wave after wave of ice. The Conehead cut at the ice waves, but with each one he belted away, steam poured out from his blade. Again and again, Anton loosed waves of ice at the defending Conehead, until finally...

CHFOOOJ

A huge blast of steam consumed the Conehead and left him reeling, his laser blade doused. Seizing his chance, the injured Saul heaved his halberd point first into the Conehead's face, killing him. Anton spun back to see Saul sink to his knees beside the organ. Gottfried sat up and spotted the green princess as she crept out from her hiding spot. The four of them met at the aisle leading to the organ.

"Oh, fair maiden, behold your humble servants-" Gottfried started before a piece of cake plastered his helmet.

"What have you done?!" exclaimed the princess.

"...what...?"

The princess pointed to a long banner hanging over where the cake once stood. "Conehead and Green Princess," it read. "Voluntary Wedding Ceremony."

"I can't believe this!" fumed the princess. "You ruined my wedding and killed the Cyclops' best friend!"

"Cyclops?" asked Lumiere, kicking a fallen table off of himself. "What cyclops?"

On cue, the Cyclops entered the ballroom, knelt beside the corpse of the Conehead, and wept. Then, he picked up the body and scooped up the princess in his free hand as he raced out, leaving behind the bloodied halberd.

"No! What are you doing?! It's me!" cried the princess as she struggled against the Cyclops' iron grip. "Help me!"

The only sound to break the hollow air in the ballroom was the Cyclops driving a horse carriage to flee the castle.

"Wow," sighed Lumiere, frowning over where the fallen Conehead once lay. "I feel...terrible."

"He's a casualty of war, Lumiere," said Anton. "Don't let it get to you. Let's just focus on-"

"Speaking of casualties, I thought Gottfried was dead."

"As did I, Lumiere," said Gottfried, "but Anton healed me."

"You're welcome, by the way," said Anton.

Lumiere scanned the ruined area to find Saul kneeling beside the organ. "And what's Saul doing over there?"

Saul said nothing, instead snapping his head skyward, rushing to the aisle, retrieving and vaulting off of his halberd into one of the barrels of the organ cannon, and ramming himself down. From inside, he bumped the walls of the barrel until the cannon crashed through the stain glass window. With a mighty boom, he sailed through the air after the runaway carriage.

"RITAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" he roared.


	12. Chapter 10: Say My Name--Again

Chapter 10: Say My Name...Again

Saul crashed atop the iron white, gold-trimmed wedding carriage and brawled his way to reach the Cyclops and his captive. No matter how many conehead knights he tossed and clouted off, more seemed to take their place, but none of that mattered to the frenzied green knight as he fought with single-minded fury he had never experienced in his life before.

"RITAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" he roared again as the other Castle Crashers joined him aboard the carriage.

The four of them dodged falling bomb, threw off conehead knight, and booted bandit as the carriage continued to race for sanctuary. All the while, Saul's frenzied yell echoed.

"RITAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Soon, a gigantic black face of fuzz with catlike bug eyes and a Cheshire cat smile clawed and scratched its way in pursuit of the carriage.

"Hey! It's that troll thing we ran away from in the fo-" started Lumiere before Saul grabbed him, hoisted him overhead... "Hey! Put me down!"

"RITAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

...and heaved him headlong at the troll.

"AAAAAAAAGH!" screamed Lumiere as he slammed into the troll with a fiery bounce. "Dude! Not cool!" he spat after landing back on the carriage, wiping fur from his visor.

"RITAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" yelled Saul again, this time throwing first another conehead, then a bomb, and finally a stray laser blade into the troll's face.

He then leaped aboard the monster's head and repeatedly stabbed into its skull with his halberd until it sagged behind the carriage.

"MLLLLLLLLLUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWRRRR!" moaned the dying troll as Saul vaulted back.

"Look out!" Gottfried tried to shout, but it was too late; the four Castle Crashers were wiped off of the carriage roof and plastered askew the ground by the lip of a cave.

Saul leaped to his feet, took up his halberd...

"RITAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

...and charged headlong into the cave. The other Castle Crashers gathered their bearings as they rose to their feet.

"Castle Crashers," said Gottfried, "can you still stand?"

"I got a little cooked, but I'm okay," said Anton.

"I've had worse," said Lumiere, sarcastically.

"Very good," said Gottfried. "Forward! Into the cave!"

Gottfried and Anton raced as fast as their fatigued legs could carry them, but Lumiere grumbled and trudged behind them.

"And who the hell is this Rita person?" he muttered under his breath.

* * *

><p>"RITAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Saul's obsessed roar echoed through the conehead corpse-carpeted cavern.<p>

As Gottfried, Anton, and Lumiere hobbled through, the foul stench of sulfur hung ever heavier, and smoke billowed from the cavern walls. But time to ponder its source would have to wait, for brownish gray slime blobs with black dots for eyes descended from the cavern ceiling to attack them.

"Oh, great. More of these slime things?" bemoaned Lumiere before one of the slimes jumped for his head, intercepted and repulsed by the electrified edge of Gottfried's sword.

The three Castle Crashers continued to fight their way past the slimes and navigate the carpet of conehead corpses as they listened for their comrade's single-minded war cry.

"RITAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" it echoed once more.

The sulfur continued to burn the Castle Crashers' throats and eyes as they trekked further through the cave...

* * *

><p>...until at last, they exited at the bank of a burning river of lava. The sky was darkened by volcanic ash, and geysers of lava spurted from the ground below. The smell of sulfur was so intense that the Castle Crashers could scarcely breathe without covering their visors with cloth.<p>

"RITAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" rang Saul's berserk war cry again.

"Phew," said Lumiere. "Is it hot in here, or is it just me?"

"Oh, I don't know," snarked Anton. "Maybe it's because we're right next to a river of lava."

"It was a joke," sighed Lumiere.

But Gottfried and Anton paid it no heed as they continued their trek. Lumiere peeled off his helmet, set it down at his feet, and tied his cloth around his muzzle.

"Hey, guys," he said. "You do realize that we can't fight with only one free hand each, right?"

Gottfried and Anton turned back to see Lumiere with his cloth draped across his face.

"Good thinking, Lumiere," said Gottfried as he and Anton did likewise. The three knights donned their helmets, relieved to breathe all the easier.

"Thanks for the complement, by the way."

"Save it for after we rescue the green princess," said Anton.

"Ugh, fine."

And thus, did they continue to pursue the rampaging Saul.

"And who the hell is this Rita person Saul keeps screaming about?"


	13. Chapter 11: Eternal Vows

Chapter 11: Eternal Vows

At the far end of the bank of a river of burning lava, the Cyclops sat atop a massive golden throne, crying as he stared at an elaborate porcelain casket. A large pool of lava shone beside the casket, as if beckoning the Cyclops to put it in. Candle poles and potted plants sat scattered about the area, ready to brighten the funeral scene. The green princess hung beside the Cyclops in a great bird cage, grasping the bars in vain.

"Please! You have to believe me!" she pleaded. "I didn't kill him! It was those four knights who ruined the wedding!"

But the Cyclops paid her no heed; he was too busy mourning the loss of his friend.

"RITAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" a distant roar sounded down the bank, finally rousing him from his stupor.

"What's all the commotion?" he asked himself, snapping his head up.

"That voice..." mused the princess. "Something about it seems familiar..."

Still, the Cyclops did not answer, even as a hapless conehead sailed through the air and burned as he splashed into the lava pool.

"RITA!" exclaimed Saul as he skidded to a stop.

"Saul?" said the green princess. "Is that you?!"

"Yes, Rita!" cried the overjoyed Saul as he tore off his helmet and let tears of joy stream down his face. "And oh, does seeing you alive feel good!"

"Saul!" cheered Rita. "I can't believe it's you! All this time, I thought you were-!"

The touching reunion was interrupted by an enraged growl from the Cyclops as he bum rushed the green Castle Crasher and tackled him to the floor.

"You killed my best friend!" he shouted, drawing two big knives. "Prepare to die!"

"Oh, now, he believes me," sighed Rita, shaking her head.

Saul scooped a fistful of dirt, threw it in the Cyclops' eye, and rolled out of the way as the knives were planted in the dirt. The other Castle Crashers caught up to him as he finished guzzling a health potion.

"Saul!" cried Gottfried. "We are here to-!"

"Stay back!" barked Saul, strangling his halberd and narrowing his eyes to cruel slivers. "He's mine!"

The Cyclops cleared his eye of the dirt, picked up his knives, and charged at Saul. Without a second thought, the two warriors met beside the Conehead's coffin and wrestled each other away. Out of respect for Saul's wishes, the other Castle Crashers stayed back.

Soon, the Cyclops pinned Saul to the ground and tried to perforate him with his free hand, but Saul kicked him off and flipped him onto his back. He then rolled to his feet and dove at him with his halberd, but missed his mark. The Cyclops threw a knife at Saul, who vaulted around his halberd and kicked the knife away before uprooting his own weapon and deflecting more incoming knives. The Cyclops charged again, but this time met the point of the halberd. To Saul's surprise, the Cyclops remained standing and tried to snap the handle, but Saul wrenched his polearm free.

Halberd met knife, venom met flying blade, and green met charcoal gray as the two of them clashed, thrashed, and bashed each other across the funeral chamber. Then, Saul jumped atop the Conehead's coffin and goaded the Cyclops to rush him again. Predictably, the Cyclops charged, and Saul vaulted over his head, letting him slam face first into the coffin. As Saul landed, he hacked out the Cyclops' leg, hooked his shoulder, and stabbed him in the chest as he fell. Still, the Cyclops persevered, grabbing Saul by the ankle, rising up, and carrying him to the lava pool.

However, Saul gouged out the Cyclops' eye, rolled to his feet as he fell, and stabbed his foe a third time. At last, the Cyclops faltered, but Saul would not let this monster die with dignity. Not after making his childhood friend suffer so much.

"For the Castle Crashers!"

He heaved him over his head...

"For the kingdom!"

...hauled him to the edge of the river of lava...

"FOR RITAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

...and threw him in. The hapless Cyclops flailed about, trying to swim for shore as he slowly burned and melted in the lava. Still, Saul felt it was taking too long, so he picked up one of the Cyclops' knives and hurled it straight into his throat. The Cyclops, now dead, sank beneath the lava's surface.

Turning to the bird cage, Saul picked up his halberd.

"Hang on, Rita! I've got you!"

Instinctively, Rita grabbed the bars, bracing herself as Saul hacked a crude escape hatch into the cage's base.

"Catch me!" she cried as she let go and fell into Saul's arms.

The two of them collapsed in a heap, and once they had gained their wind, they clambered away to face each other for the first time in years.

"Rita..." cheered Saul.

"Saul..." replied Rita...before slapping Saul across the face. "YOU OMNICIDAL MANIAC!"

Lumiere's jaw dropped inside his helmet.

"That's for dumping me!"

She threw a fistful of dirt in his eyes.

"That's for leaving me for dead!"

"But I thought you were-!" Saul was interrupted by a kick to the groin.

"That's for making me think you were dead!"

"Shouldn't...we...oh, I don't know...help him?" asked Lumiere.

"That's for all the people you killed in my name!" shouted Rita, smashing a pot over Saul's head.

"This is a battle he must fight on his own, Lumiere," said Gottfried. "Let him be."

"Help me for the love of the gods! Help me!" bawled Saul, flailing under Rita's vengeful assault.

"That's for ruining my wedding!" she shouted, dismounting from his back to stomp on him...

"That's for letting me get kidnapped! Twice!"

...smash a candle pole over his head...

"That's for leaving me to roast beside a river of lava in a giant bird cage because the Cyclops thought I killed the Conehead!"

...and brandish his halberd, ready to impale him.

"And finally...!"

The halberd's point hung heavy over Saul's chest, the two former childhood friends sharing a tense gaze. At last, Rita tossed the weapon aside, knelt down, and kissed the flabbergasted Saul on the lips. Saul quickly reciprocated.

"And finally..." sobbed Rita as she broke away with a smile, "that's for coming back for me."

The two of them beamed as they stood up.

"Now, let's go home. We've got a lot to catch up on." Saul hesitated. "What's wrong?"

"I'm sorry, Rita," he said. "I can't come home. Not yet."

"Why not? This is the first time we've seen each other in years. What do you have to do that's so much more important?"

"I've still got a kingdom to save."

"You don't have to worry about that anymore. We can start a whole new life somewhere far away."

"Oh, it's not like I'm in this alone; I've got those guys to help me." Saul flipped his thumb to the other Castle Crashers behind him.

Rita glimpsed between Saul and his comrades. "Okay," she said with a nod. "You can go. But I need you to promise me that you'll come back home alive."

"Rita, remember the last time-?"

"Promise me!"

The two reeled each other in for a tender embrace.

"...Okay," whispered Saul. "I promise I'll come back home alive. Then, we'll talk about our future together."

"I'll be waiting," whispered Rita.

"Oh, come on!" exclaimed Lumiere. "Is every-flipping-body in this story going to get a girl but me?"

"Childhood friends rarely marry, but when they do, their love lasts lifetimes," said Anton.

"That's not the point!"


	14. Chapter 12: Lava Nice Day

Chapter 12: Lava Nice Day

As the Castle Crashers rendezvoused with the king back at the now-ruined Sea of Flowers Castle, the king and his remaining soldiers agreed to escort Rita home, leaving Saul to rejoin his comrades. When asked why he wouldn't accompany the Castle Crashers any further, he said, "There are only so many generic gray knights in the kingdom. If you cost me any more, I'll have to dock your salary."

"How much?" asked Gottfried.

"At least 50,000 gold per casualty."

"...Fair enough."

"However, I will tell you what Rita told me she knew about the Evil Wizard and his plans."

"Which would be..." asked Lumiere.

"That someone stole three relics from a ship at the docks, and without them, the crew can't set sail."

"Why would the Evil Wizard steal stuff from a ship when he flies most of the time?"

"Actually, the Necromancer does that," said Anton. "It appears that the Wizard can only fly with that crystal. Also, most likely, he stole the relics from the ship to keep us from following him and his minions."

Lumiere opened his mouth to ask why the kingdom had no navy, but then remembered that they did. Instead, he asked, "So, why did Rita agree to marry that conehead, anyway?"

"I asked her that same question," said Saul. "She told me not to think too hard about it. Then again, she was always pretty fickle, even when we were kids."

"Hey! I'm not that fickle!" shouted Rita.

* * *

><p>After resupplying and rearming-including replacing Gottfried's cloven shield-the Castle Crashers marched together along the burning bank of a river of lava. Geysers spewed the bright orange liquid in high plumes everywhere they looked. The air hung heavy with smoke and the stench of sulfur, which the Castle Crashers did well to blot out with cloth over their faces beneath their helmets.<p>

"Waah!" yelped Lumiere as a lava geyser gushed forth at his feet.

He glimpsed the plains ahead to see two fire demons approaching, each one wearing a closed, scarlet, horned helmet with amber fangs and lenses, and carrying a charcoal gray pitchfork-like weapon. The minuscule wings on each demon's back looked rather silly.

No sooner did Gottfried open his mouth than one of the demons lurched forward and hocked a fireball from its helmet fangs. "Well, so much for diplomacy," he said, letting the fireball splash against his shield. The fire, however burned a small hole in the shield, urging Gottfried to drop it in pain from the heat.

Lumiere summoned his fire magic to blast the advancing demons, but something felt different. The cracks in his shield gauntlet glowed orange-white as Lumiere felt a massive surge of power well up within him. "Guys, you might want to stand back," he grinned.

"Lumiere, wait!" Anton tried to interject, but it was too late.

His body wreathed in mystic fire, Lumiere hovered in the air and forced his hands forward. A tidal wave of fire washed over the demons, but it had no effect.

"Oh, come on!" spat Lumiere as he touched down.

"My turn," groaned Anton as he formed an ice board and dove headlong at the demons, but to his alarm, the board melted beneath his feet, sending him tumbling onto his face. He was fortunate that his body missed the demons' pitchforks, and more so when Gottfried blasted them back with lightning.

"Okay, note to self: no water in volcanic air," he muttered as he rose to his feet.

Recovering from Gottfried's lightning assault, one of the fire demons hocked another fireball forward that whizzed by Saul's head and splashed into the rocks behind him, melting them into a puddle.

"I think this is the part where we just bum rush those things," said Saul, wiping brimstone soot off his visor.

He charged headlong at the demons and flailed his halberd at the closer of the two, but no sooner had he raised his weapon than his quarry loosed a series of fire pillars that singed the green knight and set the handle of his halberd ablaze. The torched Saul dropped his weapon, grabbed the fire demon, and wrestled it to the ground. The other fire demon ignored its companion and focused its attention on the remaining three Castle Crashers.

Gottfried and Anton sandwiched it between katana edge and lightning bolt, blasting it and carving it up before it could figure out who to attack first. Frustrated by having such immense power and not being able to use it, Lumiere ignited his hammer and heaved it at the remaining fire demon. Saul hauled the fire demon into the path of the blazing hammer, letting the resulting explosion wash over him. He fumbled the dead demon away, sinking to his knees beside the still-burning hammer.

"That recklessness of yours will get you killed someday," said Anton, rubbing the contents of a healing potion into Saul's burns.

"Not today," said Saul.

It was about here that Lumiere spotted a perfectly toasted sandwich lying on the ground where the demon lay. "Hey," he said. "What's a fire demon doing with a sandwich?"

"Of all the wacky things in this place, THAT's what you question?" said Anton.

Without a second thought, Saul peeled himself away from Saul, lifted off his helmet, picked up the sandwich, and took a big bite.

")S$ETY)SAEN$)%CQI#%$YOPEOFR$O^Q{Q)AM{&UQ^UIOS{MUY#A%POMSQ" he roared as he super sized into a ridiculously beefy version of himself.

The other Castle Crashers gawked at him as he plodded onward until he came to a huge metal slab with a likeness of a piece of sliced bread engraved into its face. Saul shrugged to the others, marched to the slab, gripped its sides, and tore it from its mount, revealing a metal ramp leading to the cliffs above. Almost immediately thereafter, he returned to normal size in a puff of black smoke.

"Wow," he moaned. "What happened?"

"Uh...steroids?" shrugged Gottfried. "I know not."

Dodging lava geyser, breaking stone statue, and besting fire demon, raining lava gob, and food that just happened to be in the statues, the Castle Crashers sallied forth until they came to a small, conical mound of rock with an obscure engraving in its side.

"Is this another one of those prophecy thingies?" said Saul.

Gottfried tried to read the inscription to no avail. "I cannot read this," he said. "It is but a picture of a sleeping face."

"A face?" repeated Lumiere. "What's that mean?"

With a low, rumbling moan, the face opened its hollow, glowing eyes and rattled the volcanic mound, spewing gobs of burning lava that rained down on the Castle Crashers. Again and again, they struck at the mound, but to no avail; their weapons and magic glanced off its hide.

"Saul!" barked Gottfried "The sandwich!"

"What sandwich?" said Saul, hopping on a dead fire demon with his halberd like a pogo stick.

"The one you just picked up," replied Gottfried, blocking a gob of lava with his shield.

"Oh, right."

Saul peeled off his helmet, fished out the sandwich from his inventory and swallowed it down.

"PSUN5 Y8OUSYszoiers%(yis#()%wyeta)us#(wq)Z(IRET^YA()$#5erhesau5)Z{UYU" he roared as he super sized again.

This time, as he punched and kicked at the mound, it rattled and squeaked as if in agony. Again and again, he whaled on the mound, until at last, it sputtered and fizzled out, its face vanishing. In that instant, Saul returned to his normal size in another puff of smoke. Again, he wobbled on his feet, straining to recall what had just happened.

Past stone statue, past lava geyser, and through hordes of fire demons, the Castle Crashers sallied forth, but after a while, Lumiere noticed pulsating cracks in his shield gauntlet, as if veins of fire ran through it. When he tried to flex his hand closed, spasms of pain surged through his arm.

"Lumiere, what's wrong?" asked Anton.

"I don't know," said Lumiere. "This hasn't happened before. Well, maybe, it has. I can't remember."

"Oh, great. Another amnesia case. I hate those."

"What do you mean 'another'?"

"Uh, never mind," said Anton with a wave of his hand.

"No, seriously. What do you mean?"

"UROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAH!" roared a massive scarlet dragon with amber eyes and fangs and twisted ram's horns atop its head.

Wait. What? How did that get in there? Uh, one second.

* * *

><p><em><strong>SOME TIME LATER...<strong>_

* * *

><p>So, it turns out that by the time the Castle Crashers had that conversation about amnesia, they had reached the foot of a small volcano with a path leading up to a shuttered doorway, which was guarded by the dragon's dirty sock puppet. Now that we have that out of the way, let's move on.<p>

"Aww, it's kind of cute," said Saul.

"If that's your idea of cute, I'd hate to see your idea of horrendous," said Anton.

The dragon wasted little time attacking the Castle Crashers with its fiery breath. Its head hung too high for any of them to hit, the skin on its hand too thick to pierce. With a slam of this hand, the dragon sent a huge boulder tumbling down the volcano's pathway. It bounced over their heads as they ducked beneath it. Seizing this chance, Gottfried trudged his way up the path and onto a nearby outcropping.

"Castle Crashers, up here!" he shouted. "But beware the puppet!"

"Duly noted," said Anton, lashing out at the dragon's fist as it breathed another stream of fire.

Once the other Castle Crashers joined their leader atop his perched, making sure to stay out of the puppet's reach, Lumiere glanced about.

"Now, what?" he asked.

"Lumiere, blast it!" barked Gottfried.

"What?" spat Lumiere. "You saw what happened when I tried that against the-"

"Just do it!"

"Okay. Fine."

He closed his eyes and let the mystical fire wreathe his body and carry him above the ground once more. Again, he forced his hands forward, loosing a torrent of fire that consumed the dragon's face.

"Saul, throw me!" shouted Gottfried, energizing his longsword and hopping atop Saul's hands.

"Heave ho!" said Saul, launching Gottfried at the dragon as it shook its clear of the fire too late to stop the airborne Gottfried from sundering its head with his energized blade. The red Castle Crasher fired a bolt of lightning to halt his momentum just short of the lava river's bank and let him land safely on his feet.

"It is done," he quipped in triumph.

He soon rejoined his comrades atop the mountain as they gathered around a large, gilded skipper's wheel resting on the nearby outcropping. Saul, quickly losing interest, strolled down the mountain to poke at the dead dragon with his halberd, almost as if trying to wake it up.

"Why doesn't the crew of that ship just buy or make three more relics for their ship?" asked Lumiere, cradling the skipper's wheel in his hands.

Gottfried and Anton shrugged their shoulders while Saul continued to prod the dragon's corpse with his halberd.

* * *

><p>Some distance away, the Wizard hovered over the river of lava where Saul had cast the Cyclops, perched atop the great red crystal. Beside him hovered a dark, skeletal-armored necromancer on massive bat-like wings, his skull helmet housing large, curved horns and bleeding red eye slots.<p>

"Unfortunate," growled the necromancer as he stretched out his hand and fed a fell stream of dark energy into the river.

The lava stirred, bubbled, and then gave way to a charred, gloved hand.

"Well done, Terry," applauded the Wizard, watching the Undead Cyclops crawl and scratch his way onto the shore.

"Thank you, master," said the necromancer, "but stop calling me that."


End file.
